HINILA-AKO (Parody of Hinilawod)

The story of Hinila-Ako is about an ugly goddess who just pulled his husband hard to the aisle so they could get married. The story was entitled as such because the husband kept explaining to his friends, “Hinila lang ako! Hinila lang ako!” when asked about why he married the ugly goddess. Here is the summary.

When the ugly goddess of the eastern forest, Layonsiya (also known as Leon Siya, “The Unwanted One”), reached maidenhood, the king of the jungle, Kapitan, decreed that she should marry. All the unmarried gods of the different parts of the forest, including all the people in the neighboring village tried to avoid winning her hand. Everyone succeeded except the guy next door, Dating Paubari, the mighty rat killer of Hila-ako. 

Her decision overwhelmed all the other gods that they even gave Dating Paubari a battalion of security guards to make sure he will not be harmed by giant insects so that Layonsiya will never go choosing another husband again. A meeting of the council of gods was called by Maklium-sa-t’wan, god of the mosquito net sellers, where a decision by those present was made to protect Hila-ako by a giant shield of mosquito net.

Paubari tried to escape from Layonsiya through the assistance of Sukling Malayon, the goddess and guardian of wrecked homes and sister of Layonsiya, who learned about the protection order and warned Paubari so he was able to let himself be bitten by mosquitoes. But Ayunsila foresaw Paubari’s plan so she tied him on their bed with the giant mosquito net.

Several minutes later, Layonsiya became pregnant and told Paubari to prepare the salot, things unnecessary for childbirth. She delivered a set of triplets and summoned the high priest Bangungot-Banwa to perform the rites of the gods of Mount Medya-as (the socks mountain of the gods) to ensure the good teeth of the children. The high priest promptly made an altar and burned some alanghiran frogs and a pinch of kamatis powder. When the ceremony was over, he opened the windows of the north side of the room and a cold refrigerator wind came in and suddenly the three infants were transformed into yellow-toothed, kikay young gays.

Langaw Donggon, the eldest of the three, asked his mother to prepare his magic lipstick, fashion hat, yellow belt and kamison (slip) for he heard of a place called Handug where a beautiful maiden named Angoy Ginbinitinan lived.

The journey took several days. He tsunami walked across plains and valleys, climbed up mountains until he reached the mouth of the Hila-ako river.

When he finally met the maiden’s father and asked for his daughter’s beauty tips, the father asked him to seduce the monster Binaliktad as part of his tutorial fee. He went off to seduce the monster and with the help of his magic lipstick, Langaw Donggon made the monster fall in love with him and to prove his triumph, he showed to Angoy Ginbinitinan’s father the monster’s kiss mark.

After the make-up tutorial, Langaw Donggon proceeded home with his new make-up kit. Along the way he met a group of young gays who told him that they were on their way to Tarambang Burok to win the Ms. Gay contest of Abyang Durunuun, sister of Champoy, the janitor of the underworld and whose beauty was legendary.

Langaw Donggon continued his journey home. The moment he arrived home, Langaw Donggon told his mother to take care of his make-up kit because he is taking another quest, this time he was going to ask for a registration form from Tarambang Burok to join the Ms. Gay Contest.

Before he can get to the place he has to pass a gate guarded by a gay monster named Kikay Padalogdog, who has a hundred arms. The monster would not allow Langaw Donggon to go through without a sabunutan battle.

However, Sikay Padalogdog, though with a hundred arms, was no match to Langaw Donggon’s skill in sabunutan so he gave up and allowed him to continue.

Langaw Donggon won the Ms. Gay Contest of Abyang Durunuun and also took her Gandang Ricky Reyes trophy home. Before long he went on another journey, this time it is to Gadlum to ask for yet another beauty tips from Nalitong Asawa Sinampalang Diwata who is the young bride of Saraduhan, the security guard of darkness.

This trip required him to use his mamalung saken (wave board) on which he waved across the streets for many months, went across the region of the gravel, and passed the land of sand until finally, he reached the shores of Kulogngtiyan which was the seaside fortress of Saraduhan. The moment he set foot on the ground, Saraduhan asked him, “What is the password?”

To which he answered, “Chorva chenes kang beki ka!”

Saraduhan laughed. He asked Langaw Donggon how he was able to guess that mysterious phrase. Langaw Donggon then simply raised one of his eyebrows and said, “What do you think of me, thinking of you?”

Saraduhan was deeply offended by what Langaw said. So, he asked his secretary to imprison Langaw inside Saraduhan’s cabinet.

 Back home, Aso KaNga and Abyang Balakubak, Langaw’s loyal friends were missing him so much. So they set forth to the region of eternal darkness, finally reaching Saraduhan’s home.

Saraduhan noticed that Abyang Balakubak’s dandruff have not yet been removed. He laughed and told the gay to go home to wash his scalp.

Abyang Balakubak was slighted by the remarks and immediately challenged Saraduhan to a duel. They fought J and P and Abyang Balakubak defeated Saraduhan and won his friend’s freedom.

Langaw Donggon’s defeat and subsequent imprisonment by the security guard of Darkness also angered his brothers turned ‘sistahs’. Humadona was so enraged that he swore to the gods of Medya-as that he would wreak revenge on all of Saraduhan’s kinsmen.

Humadona prepared to go to Saraduhan’s domain. He employed the aid of Burong Matanglayon of Mount Matiula who was well-known for his skill in face slapping. For their journey they rode on a sailboat called biday nga rumba-rumba. They travelled through the streets, passed by the region of gravel and ended up at a place called Tarambang Buriraw. In this place was a ridge called Tumatagas Kuting-tang where a malnourished sorcerer named Piganun lived.

Piganun changed himself to a hunky bachelor and captured the heart of Humadona. Buyong Matanayon begged with Humadona to leave the place with him but the latter refused. After seven months passed, Buyong Matanayon remembered that they have brought with them some ginger. One evening at dinner time Buyong Matanayon threw seven slices of ginger into the fire. When Pinganun smelled the odor of burning ginger he left the dinner table because sorcerers hated the odor of ginger. Immediately Burong Matanglayon slapped the face of Humadona, who became unconscious. He dragged his friend with him and they were able to escape.

They continued with their trek and everywhere they went, they exacted revenge on all of Saraduhan’s people and relatives. One day they reached a place called Pinalang Tubig who was ruled by Datu Umbaw Pinaumbaw. There was a big gathering in the village and when they asked what was going on, they were told that the datu was giving his son for marriage to whoever could remove the small stone that rolled from a mountain into the center of the village. Many girls tried their luck but no one so far was able to even move the stone.

Humadona took off his magic cape and used it to lift the stone and threw it back into the mountain. The datu, though skeptical of letting his son marry a gay, kept his word and Humadona married his son. During the wedding feast, Humadona heared about the manly beauty of the god of greed Borogodong Podo Sonoklong Bolowon from a guest minstrel who sang at the celebration.

After the wedding, Humadona went to seek the finger of the god in marriage. Along the way he encountered the gay, Buyong Nabading, son of the mighty Datu Balahidyong of Pinalang Bukid who was also travelling with the same purpose in mind. Upon learning of Humadona’s intent, Buyong Nabading challenged him to a duel. They fought and Buyong Nabading was no match to Humadona’s skill in J and P. The fight ended when Buyong Nabading surrendered and even promised to aid Humadona in his quest. Humadona married the god and brought him home.

Meanwhile, right after Humadona left to seek Saraduhan’s followers and relatives his, brother turned sistah, Dumalapdapa left for Burutlakan-ka-adlaw where the man Lubay-Lubyok Hanginun si Mahuyokhuyokon lived. For the trip, he brought along Dumasig, the most powerful gayuma maker in Medya-as.

Several months later they came to a place called Tarambuan-ka-banwa where they encountered the two-headed monster Balanakon who guarded a narrow ridge leading to the place where the man lived.

With the aid of Dumasig, Dumalapdapa killed Balanakon. However, upon approaching the gate of the palace where the man lived, he was confronted by Uyutang, a bat-like gay monster with sharp poisonous claws. There ensued a bloody battle between Dumalapdapa and the monster. They fought for seven seconds and their skill and prowess seemed to be equal. But on the seventh second, Dumalapdapa was able to grab on to Uyutang’s headband and broke it. Then he took his iwang daniwan (magic dagger) and stabbed Uyutang on his little finger.

Uyutang cried out so loud that the ridge where they were fighting, broke into two and there was an earthquake. Half of the ridge became the island of Buglas (Negros) and the other became the island of Panay.

Dumalapdapa married Lubay-Lubyok Hanginun si Mahuyokhuyokan and then took him home. Dating Paubari was very sad when he was reunited with his three sons turned daughters and he didn’t bother preparing a feast in their honor.

After they were asked to immediately leave their home, the happy three gays left for different parts of the world. Langaw Donggon went to the north, Humadona went south, Dumalapdapa to the west and Dating Paubari remained in the east.